Impenitence

Solemnly sitting, quiet and alone, I wonder where I went wrong. Things were not great, but they were not not great either. Everything happened so suddenly, that it is still a blurred series of events.
Words not meant to be said out loud were spoken, and emotions to be shown, hidden. Today, when I turn and look back to everything, I find myself relatively alone then. Except for a blessed soul or two, there was emptiness.
I lost more than I mean to, but I gained much more in experience. I lost people I didn't mean to, but I gained some self respect. Things became clearer, and people became dark.
All that was said and done doesn't seem to be forgotten. Coming back from that trance, I realize, that I am alone right now too.
People say they are there, and that I am a part of them. But is it really so? Is it really, that some gestures on their part are missing, or is it that I feel left out because of my insecurities? I feel hurt due to the fake promises they make every day, or due to their partial remembrance towards me, I don't know.
Everything is more confusing, and disturbing now, than that series of blurred events. It's more troublesome, because I know what I am doing, and saying. I am conscious, and cautious. Every step is a struggle, because I fear getting hurt again.
Taking one step at a time, I have come a long way, and yet, there's a long way to go. Treading on ice, I have fallen so many times, sometimes on my own, and sometimes due to people pushing me down. But one thing I learnt, was to get back up. Stand straight again with no fear, and nothing to lose. Who would chose to die in the cold, than to rest in the warmth ahead. Life, after all, is all about the next step. 

Amour Propre

Scared of rejection, we fail to understand what is good for us, and what isn't. The fear of being left behind, not belonging, and not fitting in is so intense, that we lose track of ourselves. Often, we end up doing things which ill-represent us, and drain us emotionally. We hurt our being, in the hope to impress someone else.

Peer pressure, as some might call it in some situations, is thus, often lethal. Being popular, and being wanted, takes up so much of our attention, that we begin to believe that it is the road to success.

People celebrating our success, which we probably didn't deserve, gets into our head so deeply, that we yearn for more of these moments. And such moments, slowly, destroy us. We start believing in popularity, and all our hardwork, planning, patience, and, talent, is oriented towards making us popular. Then, whatever is left of our capabilities, plays a very small role in our life. Such is the motion, that we stop growing on an intellectual level, because there's no energy left to do so.

In situations like these, where we face a dilemma between being ourselves, or being accepted, it's almost always, that we should chose to be us. The smallest perks, character flaws, weird choices, crazy talks, and, crooked smiles, are what makes us, us. And believe me, it's a great honour to be yourself.

Growing popular is easy, but, growing smart, it takes some work. As I always say, work hard, and grow up to be your own role model. Change yourself so, and work so, that you attain every character, you saw in your role model, even better. That's when, you will respect yourself, and life will be easier.

Don't just grow old, grow up. Experience, take risks, and do good. In the end, what counts, is if we were original, if you were YOU. 

Culmination

It didn't matter anymore. Well, why should it have? You matter, only if you are needed. You are needed, only if you are irreplaceable. And darling, you clearly were replaceable.

Providing a shoulder to cry on, a soul that understands, a heart that laughs with, and, a mind that advices... it was never enough. Everyone can do that after all, maybe not as truthfully as you, but nonetheless, it doesn't matter in the end.

People want more. People want people, who will do the silliest of things with them, just because. People, who will not stop them from doing wrong. People, who won't kill their enthusiasm, just to take care of their health. People, who will support them, no matter what, no matter how harmful it is.

And why not? Life is for enjoying after all, right? It doesn't matter to them, the consequences of their actions. Let's just put it this way: you are heartless for stopping them. And they? They are heartless for failing to understand you, and your concern.

It's easier to make mistakes, yet enjoy, than to go straight, and have a boring life. Hah. False promises, fake smiles, hollow words, and heartless love. It's all a part of the agenda of enjoying the moment, and forgetting the rest.

So, let people be. They don't need you, and you definitely don't need them. What's said and done, is in the past. Every day is a new day. And you get to learn so much with each day passing by. And one day, it will all be over. And you will be thankful to those people. To those people, who decided one day, that they don't need you, and left you stranded. Because those are the ones, who taught you to be there for yourself. To take care of yourself. And to build yourself up, lest someone tear you down. 

x

Ersatz

And one day, when I am long gone, you will miss me. My thoughts will haunt you, and then only, will you realize, how terrible I was. How inhumane, non-understanding, and selfish I was.
The times when I dismissed your feelings, the times when I underestimated you, the times I loathed you, the times I hated you, will all flash in front of you. And then, you will realize, that yours was a one sided love. And me? I was just using you. You will feel hurt, used, pathetic, low, but atleast you wont miss me anymore.
At times like those, I want you to write down your feelings, record your expression, and recall this, when you remember the love we shared, the false love.
And that will be the day when you will see me the way I see myself, and you wont love me anymore.
Because darling, I know betrayal hurts, being used hurts, but losing a true love hurts the worst.
Because, humans tend to be heartbroken, when something good is taken away, not when something bad comes by.
I want you to see the recording, and remind yourself, that I was never the one. Remind yourself, and believe, that I was the worst you came by. And then, you will realize, there's a lot to look forward to.
Build up hatred towards me, build up enough hatred, that you don't believe that you ever loved me.
I pray, that you forget how it felt to love me. I pray, you forget me. I do.
-yours (never)
Nobody.

Deceased

One morning, he will not wake up. 

Everything will seem the same, but something will be amiss. 

You will laugh, but without a smile. 

Your tears will be wiped, but not dried. 

That morning, he will not wake up. 

And yet, you will not realise it. 

There will be no warmth in the hug, 

No contentment in sharing, 

And no pain in parting.

He didn't wake up that morning,

He will be gone, 

When there is no excitement left, 

That's when you will realise, 

Alas. Love didn't wake up that morning. 

One morning, love didn't wake up. 

And it didn't matter. 

Because you will not realise it. 

But his absence will be felt,

Only after a few days,

Gradually, and slowly. 

When there is no good in goodnight,

When it's hollow care,

And when feelings are expressed out of habit. 

That he had been growing weak for long,

And he died a slow death that night. 

Be Your Own

Do not let people define who you are. People will try to bring you down and pull you back. Do not let them!

Fight for what you believe in, but while doing so, do not forget who you are. Let people go, and shut them out of your life if need be. Those who demean and disrespect you, should have no role to play in your life anymore.

It is hard to let go of the people whom you have known forever. But, darling, remember that sometimes, people change drastically. Stop believing that the person is still good at heart. That isn’t how the world works anymore. Everyone has two faces, even you. Do not feel guilty in letting go of people, or fighting with the people you once loved. Because, in the end, it is you who must live with yourself. You are the one who must serve yourself spiritually and rightly, before anything else. Be good, moreover, be happy.

Life is all about serving for the cause you believe in, while keeping yourself satisfied. ‘Service before self’ does not hold good if you are dying inside. In the end, no one else will save you, but yourself. Be in love with yourself, but just enough to stay happy, not so much, that you hurt others, like others hurt you.

Have an ego, but a humble one. Have an attitude, but one which makes you work hard for the things you believe in. Have determination to be the good person you know you can be. Learn from others’ mistakes, but make your own too. Someone once told me, ‘The best teacher is your last mistake.’

Dated: 16/08/2017

Quietus

The day has been just like any other usual day so far. You woke up and found yourself smiling, on account of the beatific dream you had, or maybe, you woke up and developed a frown across your forehead, as you remembered the worries with which you slept last night. Nevertheless, you got out of bed, hoping to have a good day.

You went about with the activities of the day, you enjoyed, did your work, encountered some problems, and when finally you sat with your family to laugh your heart out...

...that is when it hits you hard. In that tiny moment between your roaring laughter, when out of breath, you gasped, it dawned upon you that this all is temporary. It's when you start to realize, that maybe not within the blink of an eye, but 5 or 10 years down the road, someone sitting in the room, would not be there anymore. Someone you could have given your life for.

Fear grips you, and for the tiniest part of a second, your surroundings disappear, leaving you in pitch dark. But that's not it. You get a perception of your life without them, and you feel chronic pain, a sharp stab in your chest. Unable to move, unable to breathe, you try to figure out what the future would then hold for you. The moment this feeling starts to disappear, you enter a state of complete oblivion. All your life you taught yourself to be practical... But now? Now you struggle to deny that this could ever happen. Pushing yourself to believe that the person would never leave you, you try to calm yourself down.

You deny the fact that humans are mortal, yet wonder what life would be after them, and tears well up in your eyes. They have been an important and constant part of your life, and just imagining life without them is painful enough. You try to perceive the shock and pain you would receive when it actually happens. But you quickly dismiss your feelings.

This all happens in a flash, in a matter of seconds, and when you return from your state of oblivion, you find yourself yet again in the warm company of your family, and seeing their smiling faces gives you comfort. Not wanting to disturb them, you secretly wipe away your tears and decide to live in the moment.

You forget about it soon, and go on with your daily life. Later in the day, when you are free, and alone with your thoughts, the feeling returns. Only difference, this time it is not a blow to you, but comes plodding. 

Starting to rationalize things, you accept that death is inevitable. All you can do is make the most of your days together. You realize that you will probably break down, lose control, shatter, but everything is uncertain. You fail to fathom that feeling, probably because you are too scared to do so. The emptiness that fills you, makes you ponder. Memories flash in front of you, where, out of human nature, you disrespected them, or failed to show your love, making them feel unwanted. You know it's all normal, and you may have not meant it in the long run, but those insignificant moments alone are big enough to create a lump of guilt in your throat. You swear to love them more, take each step carefully, because you just can't imagine a life worth to be lived, without them.

During this trail of thoughts is when you fall asleep. You sleep with a peaceful smile across your face, free from all worries. And when you wake up the next day, you would have forgotten all about it. Going on with your normal life, but subconsciously, loving your family more.

A very normal day indeed.

So, I guess it's just the feeling of loss, or death, which is truly capable of showing us who we want to be, and how we want to treat those around us. It's not that we haven't loved them, but is love ever enough? It always leaves us hanging for more, and destroys us in the end. Destruction not in the literal sense. Take it as cycle, I believe. It recycles you, molds you into something different, probably something better, depending on how you take it. Loss will always leave a gaping hole, but can't a hole in the wall be turned into a window? The window with the best view. A view which gives you pain, but at the same time, gives you immense strength and reminds you of the person you wish to be. A way to the past, which you can visit to feel that love, time and again, if you are strong enough to do so. Death is not beautiful, but you are.

Life is too simple, yet so complicated.