Quietus

The day has been just like any other usual day so far. You woke up and found yourself smiling, on account of the beatific dream you had, or maybe, you woke up and developed a frown across your forehead, as you remembered the worries with which you slept last night. Nevertheless, you got out of bed, hoping to have a good day.

You went about with the activities of the day, you enjoyed, did your work, encountered some problems, and when finally you sat with your family to laugh your heart out...

...that is when it hits you hard. In that tiny moment between your roaring laughter, when out of breath, you gasped, it dawned upon you that this all is temporary. It's when you start to realize, that maybe not within the blink of an eye, but 5 or 10 years down the road, someone sitting in the room, would not be there anymore. Someone you could have given your life for.

Fear grips you, and for the tiniest part of a second, your surroundings disappear, leaving you in pitch dark. But that's not it. You get a perception of your life without them, and you feel chronic pain, a sharp stab in your chest. Unable to move, unable to breathe, you try to figure out what the future would then hold for you. The moment this feeling starts to disappear, you enter a state of complete oblivion. All your life you taught yourself to be practical... But now? Now you struggle to deny that this could ever happen. Pushing yourself to believe that the person would never leave you, you try to calm yourself down.

You deny the fact that humans are mortal, yet wonder what life would be after them, and tears well up in your eyes. They have been an important and constant part of your life, and just imagining life without them is painful enough. You try to perceive the shock and pain you would receive when it actually happens. But you quickly dismiss your feelings.

This all happens in a flash, in a matter of seconds, and when you return from your state of oblivion, you find yourself yet again in the warm company of your family, and seeing their smiling faces gives you comfort. Not wanting to disturb them, you secretly wipe away your tears and decide to live in the moment.

You forget about it soon, and go on with your daily life. Later in the day, when you are free, and alone with your thoughts, the feeling returns. Only difference, this time it is not a blow to you, but comes plodding. 

Starting to rationalize things, you accept that death is inevitable. All you can do is make the most of your days together. You realize that you will probably break down, lose control, shatter, but everything is uncertain. You fail to fathom that feeling, probably because you are too scared to do so. The emptiness that fills you, makes you ponder. Memories flash in front of you, where, out of human nature, you disrespected them, or failed to show your love, making them feel unwanted. You know it's all normal, and you may have not meant it in the long run, but those insignificant moments alone are big enough to create a lump of guilt in your throat. You swear to love them more, take each step carefully, because you just can't imagine a life worth to be lived, without them.

During this trail of thoughts is when you fall asleep. You sleep with a peaceful smile across your face, free from all worries. And when you wake up the next day, you would have forgotten all about it. Going on with your normal life, but subconsciously, loving your family more.

A very normal day indeed.

So, I guess it's just the feeling of loss, or death, which is truly capable of showing us who we want to be, and how we want to treat those around us. It's not that we haven't loved them, but is love ever enough? It always leaves us hanging for more, and destroys us in the end. Destruction not in the literal sense. Take it as cycle, I believe. It recycles you, molds you into something different, probably something better, depending on how you take it. Loss will always leave a gaping hole, but can't a hole in the wall be turned into a window? The window with the best view. A view which gives you pain, but at the same time, gives you immense strength and reminds you of the person you wish to be. A way to the past, which you can visit to feel that love, time and again, if you are strong enough to do so. Death is not beautiful, but you are.

Life is too simple, yet so complicated.