Led Astray

It's this feeling of being lost that takes up space and holds the capability to kill us but by bit, each day. When you are unable to get a hold of your thoughts, and your mind wanders off, you find yourself in some truly dark places, like the bottom of the ocean, an abyss, if you may. And it's impossible to find a way out. Not because there isn't one, but because we don't believe in ourselves. This chain of negative thoughts pulls us down, tells us that any effort put to escape is going to be fruitless.
And thus, starts the endless chain of thoughts that kills us. First it rips you off of your self confidence. You stop caring, and it becomes impossible to think about things that matter. Your daily chores suffer, but you just label it as being lazy.
Next, it affects your peace. Unable to believe in yourself, you stop believing in others, or put too much trust in them. Either way, it breaks your heart, and leaves you feeling helpless.
And then comes loneliness. You think yourself to be a burden, and start cutting off people. You prefer to remain silent, sitting with your thoughts. Except, you have already lost the capability to think. You become numb. No thoughts running. But you can still feel the negativity radiating in your mind.
All of this, because you thought that holding onto the tiniest of details will make you a good observer, but forgetting that things need to be let go of, once in a while. That happiness is in small things, but sadness can take over so easily, with the tiniest of things that should have really been overlooked.
It's our thoughts that kill us. And ironically, it's only our thoughts that can save us too. Depends on you, whether you want to overthink, or over look. Whether you want to focus on the silver lining, or the dark cloud. 

Torpor

I have often heard people questioning the existence of their emotions. Often finding it to be a burden, hindrance, or nuisance to their practical aspect of life, people wish that they never develop any emotions for a materialistic thing, place, or even a person, again. 
However, this is exactly something that absolutely terrifies me. It is petrifying to think that it will cease to hurt, to feel this pain, yet again. Feeling nothing, being numb, and having an empty space inside of you may prevent heartache, but it also strips away happiness. The constant train of thoughts running through the mind stops midway and disappears. Although, it does leave a pinching feeling in your chest that may seem like heartache, but is far from it. It is a physical pain, a reminder of everything you have been through, rather than an emotional one.

It may sound bleak and pessimistic, but I would prefer having an emotional burden over nothing. I chose to accept both sides of the coin. To miss out the warmth that radiates through the body when someone hugs you is a big amount to pay for not feeling sad.

There’s only one constant reminder you need to set up. You have to understand that everything you feel is a step forward in your life. Each circumstance, each reaction, and each emotion is here to teach you something. If it devastates you, it also leaves you an opportunity to rebuild yourself. But this maturity and positivity comes with practice.

Gaining control over your emotions is of the utmost importance. It is the uncontrolled emotions that take a turn for the worse. Its arguable that feelings and thoughts are instantaneous and cannot be governed. However, it’s the immediate reaction you have in a situation which is involuntary. The next feeling that arises is a result of your conscious thought process. And you are capable of changing that.

Do not expect to gain this command right away. Take it step by step. Understand yourself, your thoughts, and your reactions. Think why you feel the way you do. Stop your mind from wandering around and reaching the worst possible conclusions. Take it in the opposite direction. Think what you got out of it.

You become the person you decide to be. It’s your decisions that take you a step closer every day. How you react and you handle any situation. It’s never too late to make amendments either. I just hope that you have faith in yourself and chose the righteous path. Don’t let the negativity of the past make you a person you never wanted to be as a child. Take really good care of yourself. Happiness, after all, comes from within.

Ebbing

There’s this heaviness in the chest that doesn’t seem to go. It’s entirely unreasonable and quite troubling. To feel a constant pain in your heart cannot be encouraging in any way, no matter how hard you look. This heaviness devours you completely. You may either spend the day looking for ways to get rid of this raw feeling, thinking about everything you have done wrong, or even try to find out its silver lining, only in vain. Look for a ray of positivity, and you may end up listing out all the things that could possibly go wrong. But at the end, it causes you to overthink. And with each thought that crosses your mind, you feel an increase in the weight placed on your chest. This heaviness acts as an anchor, which is unfortunately tied to your leg instead of a ship, and makes you drown. As time passes by, you go further down into the ocean, into an abyss, where only darkness accompanies you. Call it depression, or term it to be a result of your anxiety, it somehow strips away your happiness bit by bit leaving you with a plethora of memories. Memories that hurt you, memories that make you lonely, memories that depress you, and memories that make you cry. But would you believe me if I say that’s good? If I tell you that remembering something that can make you cry is only going to help you?
Maybe not. But, somehow, it does. Cry out your heart and you will end up shedding off so much of the weight that was put on you, the weight that was drowning you. Crying rusts out the chain that anchors your leg and sets you free. But that isn’t sufficient to help you out of the deepest point of the ocean. Now, it is your efforts that count. How hard you swim to the top, towards the light and the air you desperately need, is going to determine where you end up. It’s a very brief window, which requires insane amounts of self-confidence, and the will to become happy, where only you can save yourself. Initially, at least. And if you are really lucky, you will find someone a few miles upwards to help you out. Just have faith in yourself and take full benefit of the glow that comes after crying hard.
And even if the heaviness returns, which it will, you know that if you came up once, you can fight it off easily again. You may not even need the aid of crying to lose the weight. Having been through so much, your mind is strong enough to give the courage you need. Get up, push off the weight, and smile. For the one you love and for yourself.

Illumination

And all I could do was stay silent.
Stay silent, and listen.
Listen and be quiet.
Be quiet, and understand.
Understand and take in everything.
Everything that matters and that doesn't.
Things that didn't matter were pushed away,
and things that did, absorbed.
Absorbed all the experiences I could, and
repelled out the negativities.
Pushed away the darkness.
Reflected.
Reflected on my life.
Found out that nothing can stop me.
Nothing can stop me from shining bright.
I am bright, and I am me.
And this 'me' roars silently.
And that's why I stayed silent.
I stayed silent, and let my abilities speak.

Teacher's Day

Teacher's Day - 2018, when everyone is trying to be unconventional, and thank their friends and family for teaching them life lessons, I would love to stick to the roots.

I am more than happy to be called conventional, and celebrate the day in the most literal way, because my teachers deserve it. It's because of them, that I stand at this point of life, totally confident about my being, and knowing my worth. Dedicated to all those teachers, who taught me the subject in such a simplified way, that it got feeded in my system, ready to use. From being taught the alphabet, to learning enzymatic pathways, it's been an incredible journey, and I got the best lot of guides.

There's been some teachers, who have not only taught me classroom lessons, but helped me survive in the classroom, and outside. They taught me that it's okay to do things which make you happy even if someone else steals the credit, the truth does come out sooner or later. It's only you who gets the reward, and no one can steal that from you. You learn from these hardships, so don't cry. Face everyone with a brave smile. Take initiatives, and follow through. You are greater and more capable of things than you think you are. Explore. Be sincere towards your future, and all issues will themselves turn out to be petty. And, I find myself to be the luckiest to have learnt all of this from my teachers.

Taking out a moment to express my gratitude to all those teachers, who went an extra step, who made sure that I was okay. Who had fun with me, and also heard my cries. Who gave me treats, gave me blessings, and advised me for my betterment. Who guided me every step of the way, simultaneously building up my confidence. Who taught me to be independent. And lastly, who taught me the subjects I love so clearly, that I am now confident with my future goals.

Teachers passed, where friends failed me, and thus, they will forever remain close to my heart.

This is my ode to the handful of the teachers, who played the role of a friend, a parent, a guide and a mentor, all at once, and yet managed to be respected as a teacher.

Thank you for all of this, and much more. ❣️

Impenitence

Solemnly sitting, quiet and alone, I wonder where I went wrong. Things were not great, but they were not not great either. Everything happened so suddenly, that it is still a blurred series of events.
Words not meant to be said out loud were spoken, and emotions to be shown, hidden. Today, when I turn and look back to everything, I find myself relatively alone then. Except for a blessed soul or two, there was emptiness.
I lost more than I mean to, but I gained much more in experience. I lost people I didn't mean to, but I gained some self respect. Things became clearer, and people became dark.
All that was said and done doesn't seem to be forgotten. Coming back from that trance, I realize, that I am alone right now too.
People say they are there, and that I am a part of them. But is it really so? Is it really, that some gestures on their part are missing, or is it that I feel left out because of my insecurities? I feel hurt due to the fake promises they make every day, or due to their partial remembrance towards me, I don't know.
Everything is more confusing, and disturbing now, than that series of blurred events. It's more troublesome, because I know what I am doing, and saying. I am conscious, and cautious. Every step is a struggle, because I fear getting hurt again.
Taking one step at a time, I have come a long way, and yet, there's a long way to go. Treading on ice, I have fallen so many times, sometimes on my own, and sometimes due to people pushing me down. But one thing I learnt, was to get back up. Stand straight again with no fear, and nothing to lose. Who would chose to die in the cold, than to rest in the warmth ahead. Life, after all, is all about the next step. 

Amour Propre

Scared of rejection, we fail to understand what is good for us, and what isn't. The fear of being left behind, not belonging, and not fitting in is so intense, that we lose track of ourselves. Often, we end up doing things which ill-represent us, and drain us emotionally. We hurt our being, in the hope to impress someone else.

Peer pressure, as some might call it in some situations, is thus, often lethal. Being popular, and being wanted, takes up so much of our attention, that we begin to believe that it is the road to success.

People celebrating our success, which we probably didn't deserve, gets into our head so deeply, that we yearn for more of these moments. And such moments, slowly, destroy us. We start believing in popularity, and all our hardwork, planning, patience, and, talent, is oriented towards making us popular. Then, whatever is left of our capabilities, plays a very small role in our life. Such is the motion, that we stop growing on an intellectual level, because there's no energy left to do so.

In situations like these, where we face a dilemma between being ourselves, or being accepted, it's almost always, that we should chose to be us. The smallest perks, character flaws, weird choices, crazy talks, and, crooked smiles, are what makes us, us. And believe me, it's a great honour to be yourself.

Growing popular is easy, but, growing smart, it takes some work. As I always say, work hard, and grow up to be your own role model. Change yourself so, and work so, that you attain every character, you saw in your role model, even better. That's when, you will respect yourself, and life will be easier.

Don't just grow old, grow up. Experience, take risks, and do good. In the end, what counts, is if we were original, if you were YOU.